The Thought Tonic Blog - Thought Tonic with Scott Kahler

Are You “Shoulding” on Yourself?

March 1, 2019March 15, 2019 Scott Kahler Leave a comment

Many of us may be familiar with the idea of “shoulding” on ourselves as telling ourselves that we have an obligation to do something different than what we’re doing. When we “should” on ourselves in this way, we often end up feeling guilty, but this sense of guilt doesn’t necessarily help us; frequently, in fact, it creates even more of a problem. We begin to feel bad about ourselves (i.e., our guilt morphs into shame); rather than feeling more motivated, then, we feel more hopeless. Today, I’m introducing what I think of as a variation of this problematic “should-y” thinking. In this variation, we get in our own way of reaching goals not because we tell ourselves that we have an obligation to do something different than what we’re doing, but because we tell ourselves that we have an obligation to do exactly what we’re doing — even when what we’re doing isn’t working.

“All Roads Lead to Rome”

A week or so ago, I went running one morning after we had had stormy weather the evening before. On my run, I encountered a couple of downed trees across the trail I usually take. The first tree didn’t give me much trouble — I could just high step over the trunk in order to pass. The second tree was significantly larger, and posed more of an obstacle. I ended up having to duck under the trunk and then sidling through an opening in the branches to continue along my way.

On my return trip — I had run up the trail a couple of miles, and then doubled-back — I found a work crew on the scene of the larger fallen tree. The two crew members were starting the process of sawing the tree into smaller pieces for removal. One worker was standing in the opening that I had passed through previously, lopping off branches with a power-saw. As I approached, the other worker spotted me and caught her companion’s attention. The worker with the saw looked up, noticed me, turned off the saw, and stepped to the side to let me pass. As I ducked under the trunk and slid past, he said something that he might have been instructed to declare to anyone in my position, or maybe he was trying to be funny: “You’re proceeding at your own risk!” Because I wasn’t sure how to take this statement, I tried to be humorous in my own response. I shrugged my shoulders, and replied in a tone of comically over-dramatic resignation, “I came this way — there’s no other way for me to get back!” In hindsight, I’m not sure that my response was very funny, but my intent must have clear enough, or was funny in itself, because the other worker laughed; of course, she might have been laughing at the other worker!

As I continued my run, I found myself reflecting on the reply I had given the worker with the saw. I started by wondering why, in that moment, I thought I had to be funny, and even if I had been funny, but I ended up focusing on how inaccurate my statement had been: “I came this way — there’s no other way for me to get back!” Had I not been able to return the way that I had come up the trail, I surely could have found an alternate route to get back. I would have had to backtrack my steps a bit, but there were other places to get on and off the trail through neighborhoods that connected to streets I could follow back home. The way would have been much less straightforward, and I would have experienced it — at least initially — as frustratingly more inconvenient, but I would have ended up at my house all the same. I did not have to go back the way I came.

An idiom I’d heard before came to mind: “All roads lead to Rome.” I understand this idiom as referencing the days of the Roman Empire when so many roads radiated from the capital city that it didn’t really matter which one a person took to get there — any road would do! Nowadays, we tend to use this phrase to mean that many routes can lead to the same result. This idea is one that marriage and family therapists (like me) often learn when we’re studying systems theory: equifinality.

Feeling Stuck? Think “Equifinality”!

In my work as a therapist, counselor, coach, and supervisor, I frequently hear people talk about feeling stymied when the plans they have made don’t pan out. Because they have had in their heads that they have to take a certain route to get where they want to go, they sometimes feel stumped and discouraged when things don’t go as planned, or as things “should,” and the path they expected to take is blocked. When they encounter obstacles that they just can’t seem to get past, they can end up feeling stuck, unable to move forward.

I’ve had this experience myself — when writing, for example. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve worked myself into a state of frustrated paralysis because I’ve been struggling with the introduction or initial paragraph of a paper or a blog post until I stop to think, “Who says that I need to write the introduction or the initial paragraph first?” Once I have prompted myself to remember what my goal really is — to write a paper or blog post, and not to write a paper or blog post in a particular order (since the order in which I write the piece is ultimately inconsequential!) — I have been able to get myself unstuck and moving forward again.

In these kinds of situations, the block that I experience is a product of my own limited thinking about how I “should” do whatever I’m doing, how things are “supposed” to happen. I fall into the trap of thinking that there is a certain way, even just one way, to meet my goal. Many of us may be familiar with the idea of “shoulding” on ourselves as telling ourselves that we have an obligation to do something different than what we’re doing. We could identify what I’ve described as a variation of this thinking. In this variation, we don’t get in our own way of reaching our goals because we’re telling ourselves that we have an obligation to do something different than what we’re doing; instead, we get in or own way because we’re telling ourselves that we have an obligation to do exactly what we’re doing — even when what we’re doing isn’t working. If the way that we’re trying to do something isn’t working, let’s try another way! There’s more than one road to Rome!

Are You “Shoulding” on Yourself?

What are the ways in which you find yourself stuck by this kind of “shoulding” on yourself? What helps you get yourself unstuck, and moving forward again?

Featured image: Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

An earlier rendition of this post appeared in a previous version of The Thought Tonic Blog.

Did you like this post? If so, you might also enjoy these:

Catastrophic Thinking and Catastrophizing

Anxiety

Stop Catastrophic Thinking in Its Tracks

February 1, 2019March 21, 2019 Scott Kahler Leave a comment

Dorothy: I don’t like this forest. It’s … it’s dark and creepy!
Scarecrow: Of course, I don’t know, but I think it’ll get darker before it gets lighter.
Dorothy: Do … do you suppose we’ll meet any wild animals?
Tin Man: Hmmm … we might.
Scarecrow: Animals that … that eat straw?
Tin Man: Some, but mostly lions and tigers and bears.
Dorothy: Lions!
Scarecrow: And tigers?
Tin Man: And bears.
Dorothy: Lions, and tigers, and bears … oh, my!
All: Lions, and tigers, and bears …
Dorothy: Oh, my!
All: Lions, and tigers, and bears …
Dorothy: Oh, my!
All: Lions, and tigers, and bears …
Dorothy: Oh, my!
All: Lions, and tigers, and bears …
Dorothy: Oh, my!
[Enter Cowardly Lion. He roars, and bounds into view, down onto the yellow-brick road.]
— The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)

As Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man make their way along the yellow-brick road through a forest in the scene above — from The Wizard of Oz (1939 film) — they provide us with an illustration of a kind of anxious thinking that we can call catastrophic thinking, or “catastrophizing,” i.e., imagining the worse-case scenario. Dorothy worries that she and her friends will encounter wild animals in the “dark and creepy” forest; Scarecrow frets that the animals might have an appetite for straw; and Tin Man anticipates that the animals will mostly likely be lions, tigers, and bears. For all three, their fears escalate quickly, becoming almost too much for words; their catastrophic thinking gets summed up in the gasp of an exclamation: “Oh, my!”

Catastrophic Thinking Is Anxious Thinking

We can describe catastrophic thinking as a kind of anxious thinking in which we assume that an experience we identify as negative will have dire, unmanageable consequences. For instance, I might fear that if I can’t remember someone’s name at a party, I will be mortified, and then stammer, blush, or otherwise demonstrate my embarrassment. I might tell myself that the other person will judge me as not only forgetful, but odd because of my response, and will not want to talk to me. I might also fear that this person whose name I forgot might even tell other people at the party, including the hosts, what an awful, socially awkward experience she had with me. At this point in my catastrophic thinking, I am absolutely sure that I will never get invited to another party again!

Learning from Dorothy

So, what happens in The Wizard of Oz (1939 film), when Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man’s fears come true, and a roaring lion bounds into view? The lion begins by bullying Scarecrow and Tin Man, but when he turns from them to chase a yapping Toto, Dorothy brings herself to intervene; she gives the lion a terrorizing-halting swat on the nose. With her courage, Dorothy stops the lion in his tracks.

Now, when Dorothy was catastrophizing, just a few moments before, did she pause to think how she might handle the situation, or even that she could, should some wild animal pose a threat to her, her friends, and Toto? If Dorothy had considered how she would cope with such a situation, realized that she could (even though she would have still have preferred it not occur!), I imagine that she would have felt less worried about the prospect. I imagine that she would have experienced a much greater sense of calm, courage, and confidence as she, Scarecrow, Tin Man — and Toto, too — made their way through the forest, down the yellow-brick road.

Catastrophic Thinking Is a Cowardly Lion

Even if we don’t skip as far or as quickly down the path of anxiety as Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man do in this scene, we still “catastrophize” whenever we assume that the worst will happen, and neglect to ask ourselves, “So what if it does?” or “How would I like to respond to that situation, if it happens?” When we notice ourselves starting to catastrophize, responses like these can help us question the likelihood of the worst-case scenario that we’re imagining — our own version of an encounter with lions, and tigers, and bears. Responses like these can also help us question whether such a scenario would really mean the “end-of-the-world,” and challenge our fear that we won’t be able to handle the scenario, should it occur. Simply put, these responses can help us swat the cowardly lion of catastrophic thinking on the nose, and stop it in its tracks.

When catastrophic thinking has become a bully in your own life, how have you given it a swat on the nose?

Featured image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_Wizard_of_Oz_Bert_Lahr_1939.jpg

An earlier rendition of this post appeared in a previous version of The Thought Tonic Blog. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Goals

Four Thoughts that Helped Me Start a New, Healthy Habit

January 1, 2019January 19, 2019 Scott Kahler 2 Comments

This post about starting a new habit is from a previous version of the Thought Tonic blog. I have decided to update the post and add it to this version. Although the story is a few years old, the ideas still hold true for me. Perhaps the thoughts will have some value for you as well!

I have been running outside for the past couple of months — three to four miles, three to four days a week — on a trail that passes close to where I live. Although I have run before in my life, including as a member of a cross-country team in high school, more than ten years have passed since I ran as much, and as consistently, as I have lately. Even the last time I ran on a regular basis, I don’t think that I ever ran for more than three miles at once, and I always did so inside, on a treadmill at the gym. For whatever reason, running outside has always been more of a challenge for me, at least since my days on the cross-country team — over twenty-five years ago.

The other day, when I got home from my run, I kicked off my shoes at the door, and as one of them tumbled into a position with the sole facing up, I noticed that the deep grooves in the tread had caught and held pieces of gravel, bits of twigs, and even some dead, dry moss from all my runs in the recent weeks. For a moment, as I stared, struck by how much was stuck in the bottom of my shoe, I got lost in my thoughts. I found myself thinking about what else I could say I had “picked up” in my experiences of developing this new, healthy habit. What had I learned about the thoughts, or affirmations, that helped me in this process — to the point that I was now thinking about myself as someone who runs outside.

“I can do it (even when I don’t want to do it).”

I cringed a little when I realized one of the first thoughts that had been helpful to me; articulating it explicitly would likely spoil my future ability to use a whole genre of my favorite excuses without a second-thought, without knowing I was lying to myself if I tried. The thought that had made such a difference was this one: I can do what I want to do even when I don’t feel like doing it. There were plenty of days over the past two months, after all, when I would have much preferred to stay in bed, and not get up, dressed, and out the door into sometimes unpleasant weather to exert myself so strenuously. I did not feel like running on those days, but I ran anyway. “Yay!” for me, and “Ugh!” Now that I knew, how could I ever again use, “I don’t feel like it!” as a reason to claim I couldn’t do anything I said I wanted (and really did want) to do?

“I set myself up for success.”

A second learning I had picked up was the value of setting my intentions, and developing these intentions into a plan. I had thought in terms of starting with running two miles at a time and working myself up to three miles and then to four, beginning with running two days a week and working my way up to three and then to four — all in a given amount of time. Now, I had a goal of running five miles four days a week by the end of the month, at which point I thought I would likely turn my attention to running faster. Being clear with myself about my intentions, developing a plan in which my goals were specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound had supported me in doing what I had set out to do. I had set myself up for success by setting myself a series of what are often called SMART goals.

“I will support myself in this process.”

I was also aware that, in the process of developing my new habit, I had implemented ways to take care of myself, to help myself stay accountable to what I said I was going to do, and to feel supported. First, I took time to stretch before each run and to do a cool down afterwards; in my cross-country days, over twenty-five years ago, I had been plagued my shin-splints — I wanted to do now what I thought might help me avoid that trouble. Second, I downloaded a free running app onto my cell phone to help me track my runs, and see what I had accomplished. Third, I had someone in my life who knew what I was doing, who supported me in doing it, and to whom I sent a quick text after almost every run; this person would reply with a text of “Congratulations!,” “Great job!,” or some other celebratory response that would always put a smile on my face. For me, this exchange of texts functioned as a source of both accountability and support.

“I choose to think about what I’m doing in ways that fuel my motivation.”

The fourth thought that had been helpful to me over the past couple of months concerned the reasons I was giving myself for running. Rather than thinking in the anxious terms of what I was running from – extra weight around my mid-section, for example — I had made a conscious choice to focus on what I was running toward, and what I felt I got out of running outside. What I was after, and what I got, was a sense of being in better cardiovascular health; time in beautiful, natural surroundings, on the trail under the trees and with views of the river; and my experience of running as a kind of “moving meditation,” which left me feeling relaxed, centered, and grounded. Last, but not least, I got a great sense of satisfaction when I could say to myself after running outside, “I did it!” By thinking in these ways, I was able to generate a very different energy about running outside than I would have had otherwise; with this anabolic energy building me up, I was able to support myself in doing what I said I wanted to do, and in enjoying it.

All together, these four thoughts, or affirmations, helped me start a new, healthy habit. What thoughts fuel you with positive, anabolic energy — and so calm your anxious thinking, stoke your courage, and foster your confidence — to support you in habits that you find helpful in your life?

Featured Image: Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash

Perspective

Keep Your Coat Handy: How Expecting Setbacks Can Help You Spring Forward

March 1, 2017January 26, 2019 Laurie Budlong-Morse Leave a comment

Once, about this time of year as the first signals of spring began to say hello, I found myself captivated on an ordinary walk around my neighborhood. Tiny, purple crocuses were beginning to bloom amid the still brown grass, an eager bee delighted in the almost forgotten taste of pollen. The contrast was striking, vivid colors against muted hues, new beside old, spring and winter sharing the same space. To capture the scene on camera, I laid down on my belly in the mud, despite what the neighbors must have thought.

The natural world has much to teach us about the process of change, and spring is a worthy instructor. The transition from winter to spring is never a smooth process, particularly not here in Indiana. Temperatures swing wildly from one day to the next, confusing tender new blooms and migrating birds as well as us in our wardrobe choices.

There is an adaptive strategy many of us adopt to survive in the midst of such wild weather roller coasters. We embrace these early, spring-like moments with whole-hearted abandon — we go for walks, do our yard work, play outside, fire up the grill. Yet (here’s the secret), we keep our winter coats hanging at the ready. We live in love with the taste of spring now, but we also know this warmth is fleeting and remain prepared to enter back into winter’s chill.

When the cold inevitably returns, it’s paradoxically both more frustrating and more tolerable. Going back indoors and bundling up feels especially stifling after we have recently felt the freedom of fresh air and bare arms. Yet, we can also be encouraged by the vivid reminder of the temporary nature of these last cold days. We put our ready-to-wear coat back on and keep comfortable enough while we wait for spring to arrive in full.

What if we could adopt the same adaptive mindset in our process of change?

We often like to tell ourselves that change unfolds in our lives in smooth and steady ways, gracefully, and settling in gradually. But spring teaches us that change can just as beautifully present itself in fits and starts. Change can come on suddenly, then appear to leave us as quickly as it began. Change can tease us, eluding us right at the moment we believed it was ours to possess. Just as soon as we think we have mastered a new way of being or relating, there we are, humbled to find ourselves back in the old.

(Here’s the secret:) Keep your coat handy.

In other words, welcome change fully, play in it and with it, delight in the new experiences and sensations it brings into your life. And, expect this welcome change-visitor to come and go for a bit in the beginning. That way, when the chill of past problems returns, you can grumble with frustration, but you can also be encouraged by your recent encounter with change, knowing it will return to you soon enough. These past-problem-days are now numbered.

When we can anticipate setbacks to be a temporary but regularly occurring part of our change process, we can be less distressed by the appearance of cold-snaps. Remembering that we are prepared to move through past problems when they resurface allows us to gently create an unhurried opening for change to return to our lives. Celebrating change fully in the moment it appears while holding it loosely as an unexpected visitor frees us to be present to the process with less self-judgment and greater calm.

These early days of change, when the old and the new exist side by side, see-sawing back and forth, are not for the impatient nor the faint of heart. Yet, there can be surprising beauty in this transitory space … if we are willing to pause, lay on our bellies, and look with open-eyed wonder.

Featured image credit: Allef Vinicius // Unsplash

Anxiety/Perception

One Moment: Anxiety in Slow Motion

February 1, 2017January 26, 2019 Laurie Budlong-Morse Leave a comment

“And this will be/The one moment that matters.” — OK Go, “The One Moment”

One of the most disorienting aspects of anxious moments is the way our thoughts and physical sensations can race ahead of us. In these instances, we typically can’t quite catch up to our minds and bodies long enough to make sense of what we’re experiencing, which only serves to add to our already heightened feelings of worry and distress. Frustratingly, while everything is moving quickly on the inside, we often simultaneously find ourselves paralyzed on the outside.

A powerful strategy for overcoming anxiety consists of learning to play back these internal hyperspeed moments in slow motion. We’ll look at how to do this, but first let’s examine why this is so effective. For an illustration, we turn to a brilliant music video by the always inventive band, OK Go.

In their video, “The One Moment,” OK Go takes 4.2 seconds of footage and extends it in slow motion across the length of their song, which lasts nearly 4 minutes. When you first watch those 4.2 seconds in real-time, it’s almost impossible to make sense of what you’re looking at. It’s a head-spinning, chaotic blur of colors and explosions. But when you see the same moment slowed down, you begin to experience wide-eyed awe and wonder at every detail as it unfolds gracefully in time with the music.

Take a minute, watch it right now. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

At the end of the video, the same 4.2 seconds plays again, in reverse. When you see this “one moment” the second time around, suddenly it begins to make more sense. You can now pick out and appreciate individual elements (like bursting water balloons, shattering glass, and exploding guitars) to an extent you couldn’t before.

The same thing can happen for us after we’ve practiced putting our moments of anxiety into slow motion: we can begin to make better sense of all the fast moving pieces in ways that shift our entire experience and empower us to generate new responses.

Back to the question of “How?” Just as we can only put a moment caught on video tape into slow motion after the fact, we can only put anxiety into slow motion retroactively. In a calm, quiet moment, we can return to a recent experience of anxiety and review each detail of what happened, effectively slowing it down before our very eyes.

I created an easy format to help you practice this, you’ll find it here.

Once we’ve replayed the details of one anxious moment in slow motion, we begin to find a new ability to attend to all kinds of aspects of our experience that might have moved too quickly for us to observe before. The next time an anxious moment comes to visit, we are better prepared to pick out individual elements — even as they play out in real-time speed.

This gives us a new competitive edge in the games anxiety likes to play, because now we can more quickly make sense of what we’re experiencing. We gain a greater sense of control and mastery amid the chaos when we can say, “Aha, I know what is happening here!” As we feel more sure of ourselves, anxiety loses its grip on us. Disoriented and powerless feelings move to the background, replaced by a growing confidence that enables us to step forward into new possibilities for calming our thoughts and feelings.

Your most recent anxious moment can be the “one moment” that matters. Go ahead, play it back in slow motion. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

Featured image credit: Jeremy Bishop / Unsplash

Anxiety/Perception

Paint the Elephant: Daring to Enjoy the Holidays

December 1, 2016January 26, 2019 Laurie Budlong-Morse Leave a comment

“Be the weirdo who dares to enjoy.” — Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

A couple of months ago, I found myself painting an elephant. It was one of those events with an instructor taking a sizable group of us through the intricacies of elephant portraiture stroke by stroke. You can see the end result for yourself — this canvas will not be finding its way into any fine art galleries any time soon!

But you know what? I enjoyed the heck out of creating that ill-proportioned, awkward-looking behemoth. I savored the feeling of the brush squishing in fresh paint and the whispering sound it made as it whooshed across the textured canvas. I marveled at the colors I created on my paper plate pallet; the way such a tiny drop of white could shift the entire vibrancy of a hue.

Meanwhile, all around me, my table mates could be heard grunting and grumbling, with mounting frustration and discouragement. Harsh self-judgments, embarrassment, comparison, and shame echoed all around. I found myself feeling sorry for these disenchanted artists. They were so busy holding themselves to lofty standards of elephant painting that they were missing out on all the joy I was relishing. But I could well identify with their plight: how often have I found myself similarly criticizing my imperfect efforts when I could have been having fun with my shortcomings instead?

It was a moment that crystallized for me the importance of focusing on being present to the process over evaluating the outcome. The difference between me and the grumblers wasn’t that I was a better painter or a more naturally cheerful person, it was simply that I had set a different focal point for my experience. Being present to the process set me up for joy and wonder; focusing on the outcome set them up for frustration and disappointment.

The holidays are coming, and with them increased opportunities for grunting and grumbling. Between social pressures and self-imposed expectations, we often hold unexamined, lofty goals that turn our attention toward evaluating outcomes. Such an outcomes-over-process perspective sets us up for anxiously trying to avoid perceived failures and harshly criticizing ourselves when we fall short, both of which make it more difficult to relax and enjoy the (supposedly) “most wonderful time of the year.”

What might happen if we could apply the same principle that leads to joyful elephant painting to our holiday endeavors? As you anticipate upcoming holiday plans, which ones are most likely to bring out anxious thoughts or self-critical feelings? What are the outcomes on which you might tend to focus, distracting yourself from opportunities for finding joy? Now take a moment to shift your focus to aspects surrounding the process of those activities that you are most likely to enjoy. Imagine what it might be like to hold those life-giving elements of your experience in the forefront of your attention. How might your experience shift as your focus shifts?

As Elizabeth Gilbert aptly stated, enjoying anything in life is often a courageous act that sets us apart. When the expected stress of the season arises within and around us, “paint the elephant” can serve as a motto that redirects our thoughts and restores our sense of calm.

“Paint the elephant.”

Bring your attention to being present to the process instead of worrying about outcomes.

“Paint the elephant.”

Relish whatever goodness you can cling to in your experiences, even when they fall short of your hopes or expectations.

“Paint the elephant.”

Allow yourself to make mistakes, to get it wrong, and yet … to have a grand time anyway.

Featured image credit: RhondaK / Unsplash

Goals/Perception

Sailing Into the Wind: Pacing Change

November 1, 2016January 26, 2019 Laurie Budlong-Morse Leave a comment

As a young child, I once darted away from my parents and gleefully jumped into the deep end of a pool. I had done this many times before with my water wings on to keep me afloat, but this time was different: I jumped in bare armed with no inflated support to buoy me. Fortunately, my folly was spotted quickly, and I was fished out of the water before I could quite comprehend what had happened. In time, with support and swimming lessons, navigating the deep end on my own became second nature.

As adults, few of us would jump into the deep end of a pool if we hadn’t learned to swim, and yet we conceptualize change as requiring that we “take the plunge,” ready or not. We often view change as an all or nothing prospect, requiring grand gestures that lead to dramatic results. Once we are fed up with the way things have been, we can can trick ourselves into believing that the only way forward is to dive immediately headlong into everything different.

When we approach change this way, we unintentionally set ourselves up for frustration and self-doubt. If we try to take on too much change too quickly, we may end up thrashing about haphazardly while gasping for air, like a child in the deep end of a pool. Once we’ve experienced that kind of unpleasantness, it becomes a lot more appealing to sit by the side of the pool than to get back in it. We start to tell ourselves that change is too scary, or that we don’t have what it takes, or that it’s not really going to be that great after all.

That’s why it can be helpful to think about making change a little bit at a time, like dipping toes into the shallow end. Once we get a feel for the water, we are more comfortable wading in a little deeper, and a little deeper, and a little deeper. Perhaps we can even find a trusted teacher or friend to model strokes for us. If we take our time, not only are the changes we are making more enjoyable, but we might even take off swimming before we are fully aware that we’ve learned the motions.

You have probably heard that change is difficult and that we have a human tendency to resist anything new; yet, some schools of thought embrace change as a natural process and view people as inherently wired for transformation. Solution-focused therapists, for instance, believe that change is “inevitable” and “always happening” (Gehart, p. 337). Similarly, collaborative therapists observe that “we are never at a standstill; our meanings, our bodies, and so on are always in motion” (Anderson & Gehart, p. 11). In other words, perhaps change is already in us, and all around us — not something “out there” that we have to “make happen.” In fact, an underlying thread throughout postmodern methods of counseling is the notion that we are likely already living into the changes we wish to make to a greater degree than we realize.

A favorite metaphor of mine for change is sailing into the wind. When sailboats are heading in the direction that the wind is blowing, they can move quickly and easily toward a destination. But often a sailboat needs to move against the wind. It seems impossible, doesn’t it? Yet experienced sailors tackle this feat regularly. How? The practice is called “tacking upwind,” and you can watch a quick illustration of it here.

When a captain tacks the sailboat upwind, she moves the ship forward in a gradual zigzag pattern — back and forth, back and forth, a little bit closer to her endpoint with each turn. Click here for a diagram. If the captain were to attempt to sail directly upwind, she wouldn’t move an inch; she would be stuck. Sailors have a name for this experience: “caught in irons.”

Whatever the change you are wanting in your life, it may help you to make your way forward one zig or zag at a time. Be patient with yourself and with those around you. Take a moment to notice and celebrate even the smallest steps you make; recognizing one experience of success, however small, lays the foundation for your next move. If you have already found yourself floundering in the deep end, or “caught in irons,” that’s okay, too. Step back, calmly take stock of your surroundings, and look for a gentle entry point to try again. If you don’t see a way forward immediately, allow yourself to rest and come back to your goal in a few days.

Wherever you are at right now in the process of change, congratulate yourself for being brave enough to start the journey. You have already begun to make a change, just by deciding where you would like to go. Keep at it, no matter which way the wind may blow — the change you are seeking is already unfolding.

Featured image credit: aragami12345 / 123RF Stock Photo